The Chisme

Are y’all ready for the fucking chisme? Because I got the gossip here, henny.

Word on the street is that I am catching feelings for this guy that I have been seeing and I can’t believe that I am saying that.

I have been so scared to love these past few years since my last relationship had ended. Since the breakup, I had built up a lot of walls around my heart. Because of this, I have been extremely guarded and have been really protective over myself.

Throughout the past year, I have had a few love interests.. but when things got too serious, I found myself self-sabotaging each relationship.

I didn’t want to get hurt again and I didn’t think I was able to love someone again.

Then last month, I had met this guy off of the grind (grindr, hehe).

I thought he was a catfish because his profile had really nice pictures and he was really handsome.

We had plans to go get coffee in downtown Tampa, but there was a “tornado warning” so we ended up planning on just meeting at his apartment.

When I arrived to his apartment, I really didn’t think that he was real so I brought my little pink taser to the door with me just in case I had to shock a hoe.

Turns out, he was real.

We had a great time, and went on a second date the following day.

After the second date, he proposed that we deleted grindr to fully give us the opportunity to really get to know one another.

At the time, I thought it was a lot and got overwhelmed.

He also wanted to go on more dates, but like expensive dates, and I have not been in a place to be able to afford that. So I tried to self-sabotage and do what I can to protect myself and keep my distance from him.

He gave me some space, and then a few weeks later decided to hit me up again and offer me an opportunity to come work with him.

He’s a photographer/videographer so we have similar backgrounds.

I said yes, and we had a great time working together and he mentioned that we would make a great team.

Fast forward to this week, and I am starting to really like the guy…

He says some pretty intense things about how he feels about me, but to be honest, he be on the same shit that I used to be on prior to my last relationship.

In my last relationship, I really changed how I loved so that I could make my partner at the time happy, but in doing so, I really fucked up my mojo because I wasn’t loving in a way that was natural to me. He also didn’t like how I loved, so I thought that there was something wrong with me, or at least the way that I loved.

Thinking that for a year and a half of dating really fucked with me and I didn’t realize that until I started to unpack that this week.

But the guy that I am talking to has been really patient and really sweet to me. He’s been taking care of me and making sure that I know how much he is about me and about us. And for some odd reason, I believe everything that he says.

I think we have something beautiful in the works.

#NoHomo

Aside from that, this is technically my 1.5 weeks into being an independent business owner with Amway.

I haven’t made a sale and the few people that I have talked to about joining have backfired on me.

I’ve been in my head about it because I am now working two serving jobs, doing my best to keep up with my journal entries, my blog posts, maintaining the website, reading, meditating, and working out. But it has been difficult making that on top of Amway, so I have been beating myself up.

I have been upset because I have been falling behind on my website and my art while trying to balance everything.

Because of this, I have really been second guessing if Amway is really for me.

It’s a great opportunity, but I just don’t think it’s the opportunity for me. I always come back to my art and Youtube, or learning how to create. And my gut is telling me that it’s time to really choose this and choose myself so I can do the things that I’m meant to do in this life time.

I haven’t told my coach yet, but I have also been distant from him..

I feel bad, but I know that he thinks Amway is the best thing for me to do and I don’t agree.. Which makes me sad because I want to make him proud, but also… merp.

I feel like I am stuck in a cross road where I have to choose Amway for now or choose my art. I don’t know why I am creating this cross road, but I don’t believe that I can be successful at both and I have to choose one or the other.

I feel like Amway has taught me everything that I need to know on how to treat my business and has given me the mindset needed to succeed in this field. So I am eternally grateful for my coach and his wife and everyone else in the company who has wanted me to succeed.

Something is just telling me that I have to do my own thing and no one is going to understand it, but that’s okay.

If I want to be successful, which for me, is to be known for my art and creative projects, then I need to do the one thing that is going to get me there, which is create create create.

Like I said, I haven’t fully decided on what’s going to happen. But I will keep you in the loop when I know.

It’s almost midnight and I have to work in the morning, but I wanted to at least catch you up with where I am at and my thoughts from the day.

If you are reading this, thanks for reading this to the end. I appreciate you mucho :)

See you on the flip side <3

Love always,

Kyrin.