Noise

Noise, noise, noise.

I have been sort of quiet on here so far this month but also have been working a lot. I officially started working for Amway last week on top of working two different restaurants and building this website up. Which has made me spread myself a little thin.

I haven’t made any sales with Amway which has left me second guessing it all. Especially since I have sent the link to multiple friends and family to support me. Yet no one has wanted to show their support. I can’t be mad though because I want their support if they want to support me. I don’t want them to support me just because I would like it.

But then I have also shown my art to people this past week and giving them a glimpse of some of the projects that I have been working on. Everyone had great feedback and it was extremely fulfilling to hear all of the kind words everyone had to say.

It felt natural to talk about my art and my story and made me realize that I am extremely passionate with my art and this website that I am creating that I have wanted to fully commit to it.

That, meaning that I would drop Amway.

If I want to be successful with my art then I have to put my all into it or else it will not come to fruition.

Which has been a conflicting battle for me because Amway is a great opportunity but within my first week, I am starting two businesses at once and it’s been a little overwhelming. I have no problem putting in the work, but I feel my focus going in so many directions that I am not being really successful at any one thing at this given moment.

Because of this, I have been being really hard on myself because I take pride in my work.

I met up with my coaches last night to talk to them about where I am at. They were extremely supportive but of course believe that Amway is the best way for me to live my life being a full time artist.

When people hear that, they don’t think there’s a lot of money in it. Which I’m sure is the case for some people, but this is something that I know that I am good at and know that if I put all of myself into it, it’s just a matter of time before I really take off with it.

I know that if I set my mind to something, then I can do anything. And up until this point in my life, I have always been open to options and always chasing a good opportunity if it was in front of me.

But I have always gone back to not being happy and wanting to put my focus in art again.

I don’t like talking to many people about where I am at with things because people tend to give you advice based on what they think is best for you, instead of coming from an unbias place. And for someone like me that really considers people’s perspectives and opinions on things, it just creates a lot of noise in my head.

I get overstimulated sometimes because in this day and age there is an unlimited amount of things happening at once that is right in our face. And when I can’t hear my own thoughts in my head but I can hear everyone else’s, it really messes with me and sends me down a negative spiral.

Ironically, I did my Tarot reading on the first of this month to see what this month’s theme would be, and I got Knight of Wands (reversed). (https://biddytarot.com/tarot-card-meanings/minor-arcana/suit-of-wands/knight-of-wands/),

This is what Biddy Tarot had to say,

“The Knight of Wands reversed may appear when you are actively pursuing a personal passion project or hobby. A fire has been lit within you, and now you are doing everything to move this passion project forward. You have no intention of turning it into a raging success – it is simply for you to enjoy and channel your energy into. For example, you may learn to read Tarot purely because you have an interest in this beautiful, spiritual tool, rather than wanting to become a world-renowned Tarot reader. You are pursuing this passion project with all of your heart because it genuinely lights you up inside.

The Knight of Wands reversed can signal that you are experiencing a considerable build-up of energy but are unsure about how to channel it into the world effectively. You may have a creative restlessness, knowing that you are destined for something ‘big’, but you are restricted from taking action right now. Perhaps there are frustrating delays, insurmountable obstacles or people standing in your way. The tension from within is palpable, and you desperately need to release this creative energy. Look at alternative ways to pursue your passion or manifest your vision. You may need to adjust your path somewhat while staying true to your original idea.

Conversely, the reversed Knight of Wands suggests that you may be acting impulsively, trying to accomplish everything at once. You are rushing from one task to the other, without focusing on the details or ensuring sustainable success. This may appear to work in the short-term, but long-term you could end up burning yourself out or falling short of your goals. Slow down and know that you don’t need to do everything at once.

The Knight of Wands reversed also suggests that you are at risk of acting impulsively, doing or saying things that you may later regret. You want everything to be ‘fixed’ straight away, but you do not allow yourself the time to think through what is best for you. Be careful, too, that you are not reacting instantly to everything that happens. Give your circumstances some space and time before you take action. You may also find yourself feeling frustrated that factors beyond your control are impacting your situation. Again, remind yourself that there will be things that you can control and change as you want to – you just have to find them.”

So basically… that shit was spot on and my mouth dropped when I read it.

My head feels like it has so many tabs open and I need to regather my thoughts and collect myself.

I’m going to meditation tonight so I’m excited to really be intentional with my time and clearing my mind.

I have to leave in an hour to get there so I’m going to head to the gym real quick, but yeah.. that’s where I have been at today. It’s time to really hone in and focus on what it is I truly desire because I’m sick and tired of giving myself “options” of the things that I can do, when I am constantly coming back to the one thing that lights the fire in my heart- art.

If you are reading this, thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to check in on me and see where I am at with things. I greatly appreciate you and hope you’re having a beautiful day.

Ciao. <3

(Love always, Kyrin)