Giddy Up

Heyyo, how’s it going sexy? Having a good weekend so far? Happy mf St. Patricks day! May the luck of the Irish be with you asf.

My weekend has been chill, I have worked in the mornings/early afternoons and then have been coming home to “work” but I’ll be honest, I haven’t been working as much as I would like. For my first two clients that I am building websites for, I have gotten to a point in the websites where I need to learn how to integrate different platforms across the websites, as well as getting more pictures and information, and need to learn how to transfer domains. It has been something that has been stressing me out, but if I am being completely honest with myself, it isn’t something that I have been putting my all in.

I have been feeling like there has been something that has been holding me back. And at the time, I didn’t really think too much about this feeling. But after taking a while to dissect it, I realized that one of the reasons why I haven’t been working on it as much is because I am scared..

I needed to get card information from one of my clients in order to keep updating the website past it’s trial period, and I was so no nervous to ask them because I didn’t want them to waste their money if “this doesn’t work out".”

The more I feed into the idea that “this might not work out” the likelihood of this not working out just increases and increases.. and I DON’T want that.

That’s been my mindset throughout this whole process of making websites for my first two clients. I have come to realize that I need to chill out though because at the end of the day, this is a new skill that I am learning and I am not going to know everything and be good at everything throughout this whole process of me learning.

Plus, since this is all new, I find myself getting nervous to talk to my clients about the websites because in my head I keep telling myself that I don’t know what I am doing and that I’m winging these websites. Which is true, but also I need to learn how to control my emotions better because I wear my heart on my sleeve.

Which is chill, but not chill when I am working with clients and providing a service for people. I need to learn how to be a silly lil boss and not so timid.

The guy that I have been seeing has been helping me a lot with many of my fears about progressing into a better version of myself.

I have been on a self-improvement journey since 2022 but towards the last few months of 2023, I felt like I was stagnant. I was doing things that seemed good at the time but I was running around like a chicken with it’s head cut off. Not really knowing what direction I was heading in and was willing to work towards anything that sounded good at the time.

Once 2024 hit though, I met the guy that I’m seeing and I feel like I have progressed so much in the few months that we have known each other.

He’s a few years older than me and has accomplished many of his goals and dreams. Which has been nice having him around because he makes all of my dreams, goals, hopes, and dreams seem tangible. Everything is coming my way I just need to continue staying focused, working hard, and being open to change.

I’ve noticed in this chapter of my life that self-doubt and fear have been some underlying factors as to why I haven’t progressed as much as I would like to. However I never put much thought into why I have this self-doubt and where this fear stems from.

However this past week I have gained a new perspective on things that I believe will allow me to move forward and create a better version of myself.

One of those things is that after two years of having my tags for my car expired (I know, I know, I don’t want to hear it lmao), they finally got me, y’all! The police officer was really sweet and told me that he is surprised that my license wasn’t suspended and gave me a ticket for a moving violation. Praise the heavens. But also I need to get that shit done asap!!

When I got the ticket, I was honestly having a great morning and took a different route to work so I could buy some gum and an energy drink on the way there.

Then when I got pulled, I was like “ (• ) (• ) “

I could have easily been upset and thought about 50 reasons as to why this happened and how it wasn’t my fault. But I realized that having a victim mindset towards that, or literally anything in life is not going to get me the things that I want.

At the end of the day, it was MY poor decisions as to why I was even in that situation in the first place. And I realized that I don’t want to keep making poor decisions now that is going to effect the future version of me.

Our future stems down to the thoughts and actions that we take now, everything we need is in the mf present.

After getting my ticket, I decided to play “won’t let it ruin my mood” by Djpoolboi and drove my happy ass to work. I was grateful that my license didn’t get suspended and the ticket wasn’t as much as it could have been.

Everything had to play out this way so I could learn this specific lesson in my life and move forward to being a better version of myself.

What is a problem other than an opportunity in disguise? Or whatever the fuck they say.

Another thing that has shifted my perspective this week is I came across this video on Youtube how to overcome self doubt by @BrandonMarchant (Don’t Get Brainwashed). https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xELy5lbyTeY&t=386s

Here are some highlights from the video that really stuck out to me:

• “Root causes of self doubt:

  • Uncertainty, fear of failure, fear of judgment

    • All of these things are out of our control

      • I have been telling myself lately that if I can not control something, I should not give it much energy because that would be energy wasted. So I have been brainstorming on ways that I can implement this into my life and it’s all baby steps. It’s like working out, each rep gets me closer to becoming the version of me that I want to become.

      • One thing that has helped me with the idea of failing is that failing can be a good thing. “Failure” is just a failed attempt at whatever it is that you’re trying to do. But the fact that you are even attempting to do something is better than doing absolutely nothing. Idk just something to think about.

      • I feel like it gets easier over time the more you try to just continue doing whatever it is that makes you feel fulfilled in this life time

        • Not to get all deep, but I feel like that is our purpose in life. To figure genuinely ourselves out and to go after all of our dreams and desires. I’m talking about the craziest, wildest thing you just “wish you could do in another lifetime”. For example, growing up I always wanted to be some famous Youtuber/Artist/ someone who was known for just creating cool shit.
          
          But I never really thought that I could achieve that, even though it was something that I have desired from a young age. For the longest time I was so scared to work towards my dreams because they didn’t seem “realistic". So I went to school, got a degree in Business Management when I knew my passion was with something in the arts/creative realm. Then did not pursue any opportunities that allowed me to express my creativity. Because of this, I found myself in a deep depression because I am very aware of the potential that I have and know that there’s so many things that I want to accomplish in this life time, like it’s my mf duty.
          
          Yet, I wasn’t working towards anything that I sparked a fire in me. During this time, I was dating someone and I put a lot of my purpose in life into our relationship and became really toxic. Eventually the best thing for us to do was to split up.
          

        • Since I had put so much of my life into that relationship, when it ended, I sort of had an identity crisis. I had no idea who I was at the time after the break up and I have spent the last few years spending time with myself and getting to learn who I am all over again.
          
          It has been such a crazy process but I’m really happy with how everything played out because even though there were times where there didn’t seem like there was much hope, I still managed to hang on throughout the storm. I’ll go more into detail with that chapter of my life when it’s relevant, but for now, just know that 2022 was crazy for ya boy.
          

        • The whole point of me saying all of this is that throughout these past few years of me spending time with myself and getting to know this version of me, I have had a lot of trial and error. I have had to figure out what Kyrin liked and what Kyrin didn’t like.
          
          Throughout that process, I had many failures, but the one thing that kept me going throughout all of the times that I had failed, was the fact that I was working towards something. It didn’t matter if I failed or not because if I didn’t fail, I won, which hell yeah, friggin’ success!
          
          But if I failed, I would dissect what happened, figure out what I did wrong, how can I improve in the future, and what can I take away from this to ensure that I do not repeat it again. Which, again, I won, hell yeah, friggin’ success! (Hehe).
          

    • I didn’t mean to go on that rant but it felt right, so I hope you gathered something useful out of all of that lol.
      

  • Another thing in the video that Brandon mentions is to seek validation within. When we seek validation from sources other than ourselves, we give others the opportunity to have power over us and our self esteem. When that happens we give people control of how we feel about ourselves.
    

  • Story time: I used to work in marketing for a local restaurant group here in Tampa. I thought I was super social and confident prior to the job, but while in that position, I realized that I was a little bit of a shy girl and needed to work on that shit. However, during that time, since I was in marketing, I was constantly on social media.
    
    I would have 8 hours of screen time a day just looking up trends, scrolling through timelines for inspiration for ideas, etc. And spending so much time on social media, I found myself getting dissatisfied with who I was. I wasn’t as skilled as all of these other people I’m seeing on my timelines, I wasn’t as in shape as all of these guys that are all on my discover pages, I wasn’t going on trips out of the country with smiles all on my fucking face.
    
    I was working my first professional job and struggling to pay bills but everyone was “so proud of me” because I was finally using my degree. (Sort of joke now that I’m serving again, but I’m telling myself that I am a freelancer now ok). Anyways, spending that much time on the internet I just found myself comparing myself to everyone and everything else except myself. And in doing so, I had let a lot of people have power over my actions, my emotions, my thoughts, etc. The inside of my mind was WHACKKKKK at the time honestly, still is.. respectfully.
    
    Eventually it got to a point where I couldn’t continue working in that position. So I had quit my job, deleted all of my social media for four months and within those four months, I:
    - created this website
    - went back to serve
    - tried Amway
    - started with digital art
    - gained two clients to build websites for
    - and have been diving into my goals and creativity.
    I wouldn’t have been able to do all of these things if I had social media though because throughout all of this process, I had to rely on myself while keeping an open heart and open mind that everything that I was doing was going to lead me to a place that I would be proud of. And I am absolutely nowhere near where I want to be, but I have come a hell of a long way since I started this website. I hope that it is noticeable if reading all the way through them chronologically.
    But throughout all of this, I am really happy with who I am becoming. I have a vision of the person that I want to become and I am actively working towards becoming the best version of myself that I possibly could. Because there ain’t shit else to do!!

It’s getting late, but that’s pretty much the sum of my thoughts today. If you’re reading this, thank you for listening to me rant and staying on the journey with me. I hope you benefited it some way, shape or form from reading this. I also hope you’re having a great day, and we shall chat soon.

Love always, Kyrin.

:)