Forget The Money

What’s cooking good lookin’? How you doing? What do?

I am currently sitting at my silly little desk thinking about all the silly little things that I want to talk about in this post. I’ve been drinking this dragonfruit juice recently that is supposed to help with gut health and I am happy to say that I have, in fact, noticed a shift with Lil Miss Thang (my gut).

Since my last Amway meeting, I have been reflecting heavily on the main things that had stood out to me, which were:

• Association is super powerful

• Finances gives you choices

• You HAVE to know your mission

• Your dreams grow as your self-image grows

• Learn to live through your values instead of a paycheck

I have been so stressed about money this past year that any decision that I have made, I was concerned about finances.

Even in regards to my art and creativity. It wasn’t bringing me in any income so I had taken my focus off of it for a while. But this past month, I have slowly been diving back into my art again and I am so grateful that I have been getting back into it.

I was burning myself out with my art for a while because I was constantly thinking about how I was going to bring money in. Which to be fair, was a good question. But it was the only question that I was asking, and I believe that was what had ultimately lead me to my little hiatus.

I had become aware that money was the main reason why I was making my art.. and that really fucked with me for a while tbh. Mainly because my art had always been one of the main ways that I have expressed myself. It’s like a form of meditation to me. I just zone out and let my thoughts and feelings jump out onto the canvas.

There’s a lot of symbolism behind my art.

But when I was solely focused on money when trying to come up with new art, I noticed that there wasn’t a whole lot of symbolism or love that was going on behind the work.

To be honest, I think that’s why my OnlyFans had kind of tanked too. I had 10,000 followers on Twitter but a maximum of 5 subscribers to my actual OF account. And since I was doing it for money, I think it kind of showed in my work. Aka I wasn’t putting that much love or myself really into it. I didn’t have much of a personality and I was trying to copy what everyone else in that industry was doing, but I never felt like I was marketing myself in the way that I had wanted to. Which lead to me not having many subscribers.

I started to get in my head about that too because I would like to think that I am one handsome fucker. But the numbers weren’t showing so then I started to have some doubts that maybe I wasn’t the hunky chunky rat like I had once thought that I was.

After quitting my previous marketing job and deleting my social media accounts, it has been so nice not focusing on my OF and other social media accounts. This website has been fun so far too because I feel like I can be my authentic self since this whole website is sort of me just sharing my shit the way that I would like to share it.

I’m not trying to wear any masks here. Just trying to share my journey and hope my stories shine some light in others’ lives and maybe get a few laughs in here and there.

Speaking of, I have to be honest here and say that I haven’t been super focused on my goals as much as I should have been these past few weeks. I would like to blame it on the holidays, but to be honest, it falls more on me for poor decision making.

I’ve been hooking up with a lot of dudes and Grindr has had my focus a lot. Which is so stupid because my hook ups haven’t even been anything spectacular.

I feel like I walk away with less than what I had originally walked into it with. Which is such a strange feeling.

I don’t think I am meant for the hook up scene. During my hook ups, I find myself trying to find a connection more than anything. And when I realize that there isn’t one, I lose interest in the middle of the hook up ughhhhh.

I’m very passionate with everything that I do, and many of the people that I have hooked up with have believed that we have some type of special connection which makes me feel bad because I feel like I just have a special connection with everyone (I shouldn’t say everyone, but I would say that I am very easy to connect with).

But while reflecting on where my time has gone these past few weeks, a lot of it has been going to pointless hook ups, porn, and grindr.

Because of this, I have been thinking about being celibate for a while.

I’m searching for something special so I ought to make room for it to come into my life rather than wasting my time on these silly hook ups that I’m not really taking anything away from.

Sex and porn had come up in conversation with one of my friends on Christmas. He is a pretty spiritual guy and has been practicing celibacy for a while because he found himself wanting to preserve himself for that special someone.

He also mentioned that in order to be a man, you have to have self-control. And what other way to get self-control than to stop thinking with my second head (Baby Mama Peen- yes, that’s his name).

So going into this new year, I am highly thinking about celibacy. So stay mf tuned.

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Speaking of the new year, I want to go into the new year with a whole ass plan.

I have talked about paying off my credit cards for so long, but the only thing that I have been doing is getting by paying the minimum payments and then using whatever little amount of money I have on the cards to get me by with groceries or some silly shit.

Which means that I need to get a second job and put this bitch in sport to tackle all of my debt.

My main concerns are my credit cards and car loan.

I want to pay both of those off by December 31st, 2024.

But low key with my car loan, if I play my cards right, I might just transfer whatever amount of money I have left on it and get my dream car- Blue Ford Bronco.

Also going into the new year, I want to take a focus off of money as to it being my why for doing things. Money has never been a strong enough why for me, yet it has been my main reason of doing things.

If I want to accomplish the goals and tasks that I assign myself, I am going to need a stronger why when tackling 2024. Because when focusing on the things that I am passionate about, such as this website, my art, my music, etc. I don’t want any thoughts about money to revolve around any of them. That way I can continue making authentic shit and not worry about a silly little price tag.

That’s all I got for you today, but thank you for taking the time to read this post and see where I am at on my journey.

Happy Holidays, and as always, see you on the flip side :)

Love always,

Kyrin.